I quit. I’m done. No more. He terminado. No mas. No puedo hacerlo.
There are many reasons one travels. There are the obvious ones: To see new places, see where historical events took place, and get away from everyday life for a little while. A fewer number of travelers leave for those obvious reasons but also to experience a new culture, meet people different than themselves, and make an attempt at learning a new language. Then there are the reasons travelers don’t want to admit. We feel a need to do the aforementioned things but anyone that spends extended time also feels a need for something in their life to be different. Maybe I found mine.
It’s no secret to people close to me that I put a lot of pressure on myself and I worry too much about the future. Those characteristics showed up the first few days of this trip when I started worrying about whether LA was having a good time and the pressure I felt to make sure it was a perfect trip for her. Now I am halfway through my studies and I am frustrated with my progress and I feel like I should be doing more to learn this language. Occasionally I will compare myself to my classmates, who are working on their 3rd, 4th, or 5th languages, and wonder why I cannot pick this up as quickly as they can.
And then this morning I was running and trying to conjugate irregular verbs in the future imperfect tense in Spanish when I stopped. I stopped running, I stopped conjugating, and generally stopped my mind. I turned 90 degrees to face the slowly passing river I was running next to. As the single, double and quad rowing teams went by I sat there and realized I was in Sevilla, Spain. Three months ago I couldn’t have told you where this place was located and now I am enjoying the landscape of it.
Before I left someone asked me what my goals were for my time in Europe. I told them that if I don’t come back with the ability to have a conversation in Spanish I would consider it a failed trip. First things first, deciding to spend 16 days to travel through Europe at the start of this journey was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Those are the best 16 consecutive days of my life. Nobody will ever be able to take away what I saw and the history experienced and the friendships created. So, there is no way for this trip as a whole to fail. However, I have not been pleased with my progress with this language.
Sitting by the river realizing all the places I have seen is where I decided that I am done. I am a very prideful person and when I come home and my Spanish is lacking my pride will be hurt badly. I don’t care anymore. I am done with my prideful self, I am done all the worries, and I am done with my inability to enjoy my surroundings.
Could I learn this language in 6 weeks? Possibly. If I spent every second of my day with my head in my books I might be fluent in Spanish, but I doubt it. There are just too many other experiences in Sevilla, Spain, and Europe that I could miss if I do that. This is one of the reasons for traveling that I didn’t want to admit. It is one of the things I was supposed to learn that I wouldn’t have gotten if I had not left my job, rented out my house, and left my comfort zone.
My pride kills the fun I could be having. Worrying and putting pressure on myself does nothing but suck the life out of me. And I am ready to enjoy the last few weeks here. I may not be able to be a translator next time I go to Mexico, but I will be able to get across what I want or understand the needs of the people in Renacimiento. And I will be able to look back on this trip and remember the good times in Rome, Salzburg, and Sevilla. I look back at these last five weeks and consider them the best five weeks of my life. I want to make sure when I get home I am talking about the best nine weeks of my life.
Starting now…
BRAVO!!! Abandon perfection y toma una cerveza. Katherine
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to post. Loss for words. Missing my friend.
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